Character Change

Received a comment from someone who has not seen me for six months at least. She said that it was like meeting a stranger, as in the impression I give her now is totally different from the past.

Well, a friend just told me that I am thinking too much because this is now entirely another situation. Maybe yes, maybe not. I know I am still myself because I still think this much. Haha.

Yet, just not long ago, I did get the same feedback from someone really close to me. I guess she still finds me strange from my past self.

I did some reflection and I think I realise I just don't want to stay hidden in the shadows, pretending to be ignorant about what I think. I know I am always very critical, that was why I have to act blur and ignorant so that people won't think I am weird. In the end, I am still weird, so I may have reached a point that I decide to cast away the shadows and be myself. I don't want to be a clown anymore.

I am weird...

Wasting a fine strawberry cheese cake

Today is a really surprising happy day for me. No wonder people always add the 'happy' before birthday. Anyway it started off with a surprise birthday celebration in the school canteen AGAIN. I hate being surprised especially in the school canteen. Haha. However, it is really nice that they have a small cake and candles for me to make my wish. I ended up with a new notebook and a small notebook with totally aesthetic black pages later in the day!! Guess I will be forced to purchase a white ink pen soon.

Then lunch came and another surprise was launched by another group of friends. I had not really expected a new shirt. My friends always like to give me new shirts if they think my wardrobe cannot make it. And the size fits really well. The draft photo shows it.

I had dinner with another group of friends at New York New York. Poor someone cannot come along because she was down with gastric. New York New York is nice but its steak could be better. Yet no complaints again because of the interesting company around me and also a friend who will be having his birthday this friday. We had coffee later as well at Pacific Cafe, and we had a good time chatting.

I really have to thank the efforts put in and the company of those friends who really made my day today. I have also received warm best wishes from those who could not meet up as well. I have not celebrated my birthday with friends for such a long period and it is really fun and warm-hearted. Thank you!

Now coming to the main point about the strawberry cheese cake. Since that somebody could not meet up, so I guess I could buy a small piece of cake (although I am very full at that point of time) down to her place (void deck or staircase) so that she could celebrate my birthday. In the end, she could not go out, so I ended up standing by the roadside in the drizzle with a lit candle on the cake, listening to her birthday song over one of the wonders of technology, so all those by the window can see me. One times stupid hopeless guy in the making here. So I blew the candle myself and tasted the cake myself but since I was too full, there goes the cake into the bin.

I felt for the cake... but somehow I am happy about it as well.

Professionals?

Doctors, lawyers... They have their boards to ensure proficiency to a certain extent, to maintain their recognition of professionalism in the society. Few could question them because few may have the access to the knowledge they have.

Question: What about teachers? Do you think the parents would understand fully the reason behind the paradigm shift? Do you think the parents really understand the structural and progressive learning we have to give to our students? Do you think they understand the logic and rationale behind whatever we teach?

I may say "Yes" to a certain extent. After all, parents have been through the education system more or less, but they would not understand from the eyes and mind of a teacher planning the lesson. Not even some tuition teachers would understand as well. Not me as well if you were to ask if I understand fully. However, of course, there are those who are good in this.

I hear those colleagues who question why we are still not TRULY recognised as professionals. I am still struggling to improve myself here. There are also a few others who still have their misconceptions about the paradigm shift and the new pedagogies.

I can say it is a never-ending learning journey for all of us. Standards are changing with the era and the society. We are attempting to teach students the skills to solve problems we may not know they might exist in the future. We are SUPER humans, but yet not professionals.

Cheers.

Decision Making

Sometimes, when people are so different, it is so difficult to be together. Compromises have to be constantly made. Yes, you can say that people can never be the same, but perhaps the extent of the difference has to be considered as well.

The question will be how far can this go? How long can it be maintained before it burned out?

I want it to go on. I don't want it to end with regrets. I want to share your version of pure happiness and bliss, but I don't want to be ignorant in today's society. Yours is a fairy tale where I cannot be the Prince, but only the cynical dark sorceror. Yours is a rainbow with seven distinct colours whereas my spectrum is all mixed and confused. Yours is the path down the rabbit's hole into your wonderland, where I am falling into uncharted territories.

Guess you will just have to make do with a cynical dark sorceror, a scrambled rainbow and a lost guy in the rabbit's hole. Will you be afraid to accept this?

Masala

Muthu's Curry... Fish head curry... Masala chicken... We enjoyed it all especially for someone who loves Masala.

This might be funny but I finally got a chance to hang out and chill with people other than the usual clicks last night over dinner and over drinks after dinner.

It was enjoyable and memorable. It was good company, but we are so seriously not going back to Muthu's curry when we were served by a Chinese waiter. Haha.

Overwhelmed

Today I had the privilege of having lunch with one righteous man and five ladies. I could not really describe how I felt about this because throughout the meal, I could just only sit there.
Sit there and listen.
Sit there and eat whatever is put into the bowl.
Sit there and reply briefly to any question directed at you.
Sit there and listen basically.
I have forgotten how female power is like when they unite. This is a good reminder. However, I still enjoy the meal as I am one good listener.

Transformer! More than meet the Eye!!!

Wish I really could be like the Transformer. When they cry "Transform!", they just transform from one form to another in maybe around two seconds. That's fast. I want to cry "Shield down! Feelings up!" but I guess I need to take a bit more time than the Transformer.

Feeling is difficult. An irony in today's world where you are encouraged to feel but people may trample you down if you feel. There have been so many blogs out there, crying out "I don't want to CARE!"

Yet I knew HOPE when I saw one. It was disappointing that HOPE did not know the importance of being HOPE. And so I trounced HOPE around, hoping HOPE knew in the end. However, in the end, both HOPE and I suffered because we tried to console ourselves by crying out the famed words, "I don't want to CARE!"

Chinese New Year was bleak in so many years. This time round, there is a glimmer of hope. I want to cry "I CARE!" so I decide to pick HOPE up again. We will start afresh, we will learn to care for each other, and let there be no "I don't want to CARE!" ever.

Stupid person deserves stupid life

When someone says that thing is hot, people will normally keep away from it. However, I will be the one who will go ahead and touch it and suffer in the end, although this is also the best way to discern truth from lies.

Guess this characteristic of mine is a double-edged sword. I see more things in many other perspectives but I also suffer due to that.

I have to see for myself. My character is flawed. There are two sides of myself, which belong to two distinct worlds in a single society. So I went back to the places which hold the keys to my past memories, be they sad or happy. My quest for answers only resulted in more questions and no answers.

Yet I could feel differently now. I know now I don't want to go back to the nocturnal life I once had. As much as I like socialising, I want it to be in a healthier way. Chilling with drinks is a bad choice, but chilling with company is not. As much as I assume, I also realise that as long as people care, it is truthful, no matter how little the efforts seem to be.

Thank you, my friends for the concern shown and thank you, my friends for the company, and thank you, my friends for your desire to come up with a gathering when I need it.

Self-Discovery

My philosophy in life would be "Just do what is needed". It helped me to pull through critical moments in my life (not life-threatening but important issues). It helped me not to fall deeper into depression.

Yet, after three years of this philosophy, I found everything backfiring. Though I moved on physically, financially, economically, and even emotionally, I did not get over the incidents which had failed to topple me.

All of a sudden, when my shield was being lowered in an attempt to do something which I hoped I can do, they crept back from the darkness like poisonous centipedes always lurking in my shadows. My failures in my life gnawed at me, my inability to handle issues clawed at me, my desperation and hopelessness in those regrettable issues dragged me back into the darkness. The scars I had were not healed but festering.

I then regretted my comments about a person not being strong enough to handle her failures. I had moved on but that doesn't mean I have gotten over them.

What route should I take?

Imperfection

We think and we assume. We think and we act. Thinking is so important that people sometimes forgot to feel.

Sometimes when life is so hard, we harden ourselves by creating a barrier or a shield so that we can protect ourselves. If we think the shield is not as strong, we strengthen it. If it is still not as strong, we strengthen it again. We keep strengthening it till it is perfect.

So perfect that we also cast out the people we hope to care for. It is so perfect that we cannot cast it down, so perfect that we become detached. So perfect that we become inhuman.

A piece of thought for people who bother to read. Think or feel. Make the choice earlier for the right developmental path.

Choices we make in life

In life, we gain friends and we lose friends. Sometimes we gain very good friends, sometimes we lose close friends. Sometimes, thinking back, you would have thought, "Hey, I could have done something to gain that friend back.", but the time has passed.

Take it in stride. Sometimes, people will choose different paths in their lives and their paths are not the same as yours, resulting in the distance between you and the person. If you really want to be with the person, then you will have to chase the person along his new path. If not, you will have to see the person leave your life. You may think that it is very tiring if you want to chase, then ask yourself this, "Is it really worth it?"

Choose wisely and don't regret.